From Mother to Mommy
Nine years ago God blessed me by introducing me to my a beautiful baby boy. I didn’t know it then, but he was about to use that baby to mold my heart and shape me into a mommy.
As a woman when you give birth you automatically become a mother, it is the title of a woman who has a child. But, being a mommy is a special honor that only a woman has when she has a connection with her child.
Seventeen years ago God blessed me with a beautiful baby boy. I didn’t know it then that I would rob my little boy of having a mommy for the first eight years of his life. I was a mother to him, and nothing more till his brother was born.
In the Darkness
When I first had my son seventeen years ago, I was seventeen my self. I was young, scared, angry, and sad. Looking back at the pictures taken after his birth I am not smiling or joyful at all. Not even a hint of cheery motherhood.
If you ask me of my delivery, I can tell you every detail, but anything you ask me regarding my son and his baby personality, I can’t recall. Often, when I think of my past I just vision a blank space where something should be but its misplaced. Like the outline of a frame that was hanging on a wall for many years, it saddens me.Of course, back then I didn’t know that I was actually in a deep postpartum depression. Also, that was not something that was talked about or even mentioned seventeen years ago.
The saddest part for me is the thought that I never held him as I did with my second and third child. That I never took the time to inhale his baby sent or feel his baby hands. It hurts me to the core that I would just leave him in his swing or playpen for hours because I felt no yearning for him to be in my arms. It just kills me that I can’t turn back time and hold him while he falls asleep on my chest.
A Mommy’s Awakening
It was not till I held my second born for the first time, that life bloomed in my cold heart. Even though I held him for just a few minutes; his face woke me from the coma I was living in for the past eight years.
God made my second born special in more ways than just the ability to revive me. He made him a special needs child and I the lucky woman that gets to be his mommy. It was that need for someone to aid him in his growth that made me see the fool I was with my firstborn. A special needs child changes everything you know about life and the world, opening a new level of love that could never be explained.
Being a teen mom was hard mostly because I did not understand the love of a mom to a child. When you live in that kind of denial you can’t give what you don’t think you have. With my second born, he gave love freely and it taught me an unconditional love that was so much more. It was that “more” that made me see that my firstborn was always in my heart and that I can start giving him that love without fear.
A Second Chance
It is only by God’s Grace that I have received a second chance to love my child as he deserves. It has been nine years since I woke up from that terrible fog and I have used every opportunity I’ve gotten to give him love. He is the most handsome, sweetest, loving, smart, teenager I know. He makes me so proud and privileged to be his mommy.
I won’t lie, it has been very hard on me emotionally! The shame, guilt, anger, and sadness I felt for being such a poor mom takes over me sometimes and can bring me down. For many years after my realization, I punished my self with negative talk and regret. Even as I type this, I feel those feelings boil up inside me threatening to flow over in a stream of tears.
The one thing that keeps me together is GOD! He shows me that I am not who I was, that I can still give love. In John 7:12 Jesus tells us;
“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
Those eight years I was walking in darkness, and then I gave my life to Jesus after my second born. Now I will always walk in the light, so I shall never be afraid of my love becoming extinguished again by darkness. My son receives love because of God redeemed me and loves me unconditionally. So that I may love fully and deliberately for eternity.
PMDD and Postpartum
I have written about my PMDD in several posts, specifically in, I am the Happiest when I bleed: PMDD & Me, here I write about my struggle with my firstborn. I know now that I had postpartum depression and that it just went undiagnosed. Both God and my second child help me move forward from postpartum depression.
God has made me new but not without fault because I still struggle with PMDD. I plan to write further on both Postpartum depression and PMDD in the future. Don’t miss it, sign up for my mailing list to receive it straight to your inbox. Click Here
If you suffer from PMDD or Postpartum depression, please know that you are not alone. Know that it is not your fault or anything you did. I am here for you and please reach out to me. Let me share in your pain and keep you company when you feel alone. We will move forward together, God tells us:
As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.-Proverbs 27:17
Let me be your iron, together is better than alone!
Postpartum Support International: The purpose of the organization is to increase awareness among public and professional communities about the emotional changes that women experience during pregnancy and postpartum. Approximately 15% of all women will experience postpartum depression following the birth of a child. Up to 10% will experience depression or anxiety during pregnancy. When the mental health of the mother is compromised, it affects the entire family.
Postpartum Progress together, stronger:Postpartumprogress.com is the world’s most widely-read blog dedicated to maternal mental illness, with more than 400,000 monthly pageviews. It offers in-depth information, support and hope for all pregnant and new moms who have postpartum depression. Including all other mental illnesses related to pregnancy and childbirth, including postpartum anxiety, postpartum OCD, depression or anxiety during pregnancy, post-adoption depression, postpartum PTSD, bipolar, peripartum onset/postpartum bipolar, depression after miscarriage or perinatal loss and postpartum psychosis.
Gia Allemand Foundation: Gia Allemand Foundation (formerly the National Association for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) is a not-for-profit organization providing support and resources for those affected by Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), Premenstrual Exacerbation of underlying disorders (PME), and female suicidal ideation. We aim to improve the quality of women’s lives through awareness, education, outreach, and recovery.