Forget Me Not
We don’t ever hear a mother say she does not remember her child as a baby. Most women can recall all the time spent with their precious new baby, and how they changed their world.
Well, get ready because you are about to hear it now! When I think of my soon to be the eighteen-year-old son I can’t recall a single thing about him as a baby. I can’t remember anything about him during the first nine years of his life.
Prepare yourself because this truth will hurt! When my son was born, I could not wait until the day he was eighteen, and I could be free. Yes, I said it, I did not want to be a mom. Until the day (in precisely five days) he turns eighteen started approaching and now all I want to do is turn back time.
My Son can’t Be Replaced
I have written about finding my love for my first son in, How My Second Child Made Me A Mommy. That was when he was already eight years old almost nine; I realized that I had loved him all along but was clouded by a dark shadow of shame. As I spend more time with my two younger boys the more I try to think about my time with my son.
It is almost like a black hole has swallowed up all those years into another universe. My mind tried unsuccessfully over and over again to pull it out and bring them forward. If I could just recall looking into his baby face, holding him and smelling him, him as a sweet baby, for only one day, I would give anything for those moments. Guess what? Those memories are not there because I did none of those things when he was a baby. I strictly fed him, changed him, and put him back down.
The only moments I can ever recall are my mom moments when I was unnecessarily harsh, annoyed, Or pretending to be a good mom. I don’t recall his face, or remember his smile, the sound of his voice, or anything that was unusually cute. I just recall the “stop it” “stay still” “I’m busy” “not today” and everything else that had to do with escaping and evading him.
What I am saying is that I was a lousy mother, going through the motions like a heartless robot. He deserved more, he needed to be loved, and I refused to give it at all.
How do I get past that kind of regret? How do I find peace in my heart when I know the truth behind the mother I was? How do I not have a fear of the consequences of my failure as a mom? How do I repair what I can’t get back?
Yes, I did have post-partum depression all those years. It was my actions and choices that lead to my sweet son living without the love of his mother for almost nine years. It was me he decided that my life was more important than the one of my flesh and blood.
How do I heal my wounds? Better yet, how do I repair his wounds?
Call It What It Is
Those scars of my rejection, I have yet to see them from him. But that does not keep them from reminding me that they are their somewhere and that I will one day have to see them on his face. He is turning eighteen and a senior in high school, the time has come for him to son go out in the world without me.
I worry about the life after he leaves my home, No, not the typical worries of your children going and having to make it on their own! (I do worry about that too) The fear, let’s call it what it is fear, of him deciding that he now wants no part of me. That moment when he realizes that I was a lousy mother during the most critical years of his young life.
Will he be so hurt that he will walk away from my life, maybe not forever, but for a while? That is the fear that keeps me up at night that is the hurt that has gripped me every day since I realized my mistake.
My Son & My God
Five days from his 18th birthday and six months from his High School graduation, and I am in full despair.
I am a woman of faith, and I have given my life to God. In my experience with Him, I have been forgiven for my sins and the mistakes I made with my son. God has freed me from the real punishment of my sin. So forever I will love and praise Him for saving me from the pits of Hell.
Unfortunately, my son is not God, and he is a human. He can choose not to forgive me, walk away from me, and never look back.
Dear friends, I ask that you pray for me. That God gives me the strength to move past my fear. To trust God wholeheartedly to redeem me in whatever way he sees fit. May God’s will pour over my relationship with My sons as we move towards a new stage of our lives! Most of all that I accept His will and not turn from His grace when the outcome is not the one I desire.
Finally, I ask that you hold on to your sweet babies of all ages. Give them a hug and kiss, imprint it in your mind and heart forever so when the day comes that you can’t be near you have that to hold on until the day they return.
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